Yichun

i feel so terrible now.

first of all, i feel terrible because i called liyuan KS (kiasu) last year, because he kept doing homework in class WHOLE DAY. and i had commited a grave mistake because not long after that almost the entire class starting to call him KS.

secondly, i feel terrible because i called qiuju KS (kiasu). please don't take it to heart, i only meant it as a casual remark because she also do homework like (almost) whole day.

i feel that it was terribly horrendously evil and bad of me to call them that, because the correct word should be diligent, not kiasu. and i feel that i am the most kiasu person on earth because i say that they are kiasu, which implies that i am not happy with them being so diligent and i wanted to compete with them in diligent-ness and so i call them kiasu, but the real kiasu person is myself.

thirdly, for being very insensitive. most of the time i will SAY IT ALL I WANT, in fact since primary school i have always been like that. i remember in secondary two when we got back science results, i asked one of my classmate, peckyan, what marks she had gotten. she said that she didn't want to divulge. then i said "aiyah, never mind lah...low or high no matter what JUST say..." it was such a unintentionally hurtful sentence i think she cried and kind of hate me after that. actually i have had no evil intentions at all. i am just trying to pacify her not to see marks so highly and no matter whether it is low or high, it does not matter a lot. however, i feel that i am partly insentive and caused me to be misunderstood.

fourthly, because i knew that i am quite insensitive, i didn't know whether i should talk to a person or not in order for me not to be misunderstood. that is when i started asking people whether they are pissed, sad or in a bad mood. after which i will refrain talking to them, because i am insensitive. i feel that everything is so confusing because a person may look pissed but is not pissed, may look sad but is actually not sad, may seem to be in a bad mood, but is actually not in a bad mood. and again, i feel misunderstood because owing to this i feel that people actually become more pissed, sad and plunge into worst mood.

fifthly, because of my above average results. sometimes after a examination or test, i will make a couple of careless mistakes plus some don't-know-how-to-do questions. and almost naturally after the examination or test i would moan a bit that i thought i going to do badly or fail (like during biology practical last year, which i have the entire experiment mixed up because i identify the colours and everything wrongly). but then somehow miraculously i always seemed to top the class or do super goodly in those tests and examinations that i wasn't confident in. when mr chow said that "the highest was yichun..." i was terribly shocked. i wasn't acting and i wasn't exaggerating. i was really shocked. i thought some of my classmates were angry/pissed with me because they thought that i was being very unbearable and hypocritical. my friend said that i pressurized them. however, i felt even more stressed out when i get above average results because i didn't know how to face my friends. in fact, i feel that getting high results will only result in a moment of shocking happiness but end up in long stressful periods of how to deal with the high result.

sixthly, i feel terribly misunderstood because my friend commented that i was always lying to them when i said that i was playing the computer or sleeping when they called me. BUT I REALLY WASN'T LYING and there is no reason for me to do so. please believe me!!!

i feel momentarily very sad now and at a "down" portion of life's rollarcoaster ride, and i think i am really sad now because i am not talking as much as i would usually do.

and because of problems similar to these, i thought i cried during english lesson last friday and even as i was typing this. apparently i wasn't crying but then when i went and touched my eyes, the watery feeling confirmed that i had cried and this is bad because i tried hard to not cry since secondary 2 because i don't want to be a crybaby and it is very embarrasing to do so. but this goal is still not achieved. =(

i feel that i am the most kiasu, most insensitive, most irritating dwarf on earth.
but then i didn't know how to be not kiasu, not sensitive and not irritating.

nevertheless, i shall try to change if i can.

(disclaimer: didn't know why i managed to type such a terribly long sad entry, please read the bottom entry instead.)